Friday, November 14, 2008


Dunno where its' gone, have you see it?

Life has been a number of small obsessions that have ended quickly, abruptly and in totality.

I have been fearing this has been happening to my enjoyment of working on the car/s, probably in the last 10months on a sloping scale, now being at the very bottom.

I have seen a real decline in my enjoyment to the point where I am not really getting any pleasure from it, so whats the point?

This is nothing new for me, I have seen the cycle before relating to other things, whether it was my obsessional cycling for a couple of years, partying and socialising in the mid 90's, I was out everynight for 5 years!! I only went home to sleep.

I spent all my time sim-racing for a few years, reached the very highest level possible, something snapped in my head and I really did just stop, immediately, 1hr later I retired and never did another lap in that simulator.

I had a real dose of this before towards the end of that E-type project, with that project as much as anything, but this is worse as I can't even find the motivation to work on my own car atm!

The Jaguar perverted my enjoyment of doing car related things in personal time, which I was enjoying ALOT at that period.

As such I haven't been the garage for a week, trying to just get some space back, things have been on my mind for ages, I am worried i'll wear it out :) not even opened the door this week, something really quite miraculous is gonna need to happen.

It's no use thinking supportive talk, words etc will help, this is a problem that there is no answer to, bar a change. I know how this works.

No issues with my car off and using it. However the tanks are empty for now, totally empty.

I think the underlying facts of my "enjoyment corruption" maybe down to the fact I am just burnt out after this project, I put alot into this stuff, I don't really have the tools to do the work, I have to go out and do stuff here and there and run about and it's all a bit of a pain the arse.

I mean i must be up to 1800hrs on it...

I don't doubt my abilities. However they are useless without enjoyment and motivation.

There is another problem which is really busting my head atm and thats the fact imagine how nice it would be to know once I have finished this battle I can relax and get a break and find out my I used to enjoy fiddling with cars again.

Sadly this impossible due to the fact I have, maybe foolishly, taken on another project. I mean there is no end to this pain now, thats how I see it atm, maybe this will change. I felt taking on this project was a sound idea at the time as I was riding a good wave of motivation and having just got shot of the Jag it seemed a good idea.

However since then I have found it increasingly difficult to want to spend long sessions in the garage. Also I decided to take my car to a higher level around december 07 and this has really been a painful and numbing experience to be honest. I really don't understand how things can take so long, cause so much pain and grief.

Knowing I have all this to come again is really really causing me to retract from things atm, I have this knot in my gut. I am not sure where to go from here, but I am not really happy with things atm.

I'd quite like to get out of this lark immediately, or just get away from it for a while, each time I get grief over this stuff it just adds to the weight on my shoulders, something will just crack oneday cause the foundations are laid on some pretty fragile footings. If that happens you may see me again in the future, doing something else, well.

I'd also like to get more routine in my life atm. Maybe this is a turning 30 thing...I think for sure it's something to do with my evident season effects problem, this summer has been bad for me, I need the sun, I didnt get any, now I am at the start of another winter and feeling rather pee'd off about everything. I'd quite like to clear my plate completely and just make a fresh start with something new.

Sorry, just some feelings laid out on paper.

Not asking for anything from my readers, no poor old Dave stories etc, support just gets on my nerves to be honest :)

Just explaining why my project maybe taking more time than expected. I am lacking Mojo.

So call the last week a holiday, it's done nothing for my motivation on the car though!

I have been finding alot of enjoyment playing Poker. I have found I have a great skill here, and over the last week I have doubled my deposit at PartyPoker, played over 5000hands on 4 tables at a time and made 100% profit. Poker gambling, sure, however it's not classed as gambling in some countries as the skill level involved is so great you could take 10years of constant practice to perfect your game and you'll still learn all the time. It's such a deep game on all levels.

Maybe this is my new obsession? I have certainly made my mark at PartyPoker, I changed my username this week and started a fresh using all the lessons I have learned. People fear me, I usually dominate a table and everyone leaves after a while. In fact I raise and everyone folds, I win most hands I am in. I get ALOT respect from the players that are clearly most experienced and best on the tables I play. Alot of people have said "man your good" etc...I have only been playing 6months! Some of these guys have been playing YEARS. So evidently I have a gift for poker..

I have experimented with different play methods, playing like a rock all day, looser play and come to a nice medium in the middle and started to read players really well, as result my game is coming on really well, although I have so much to learn, I have outgrown the low dollar tables I am playing...

Poker is one of the most difficult games there is on your mind, as you must control your brain and your basic instincts and be incontrol of your ego at all times. You must always play the way that works, never be effect by Tilt, after loosing a few hands you must remain as cool as ice or you'll donk your chips off trying to rush getting the cash back...

My intension is try to make a bankroll from nothing and progress from a minimum deposit of £25 turning this into £200, then to move up a step on the tables to $10 buy-in, not $5, then move up again at £500 to $25. If you are sensible poker is played by never buying into a table with more than 1/20th of your bankroll. So you can cover any "lucky/unlucky" spells, everyone gets busted sometime.

So I need to stick on these cheap tables for sometime yet, a few high tourament results could easily boost my bankroll quickly. I could have more this week but I have been experimenting with my game still, and a result I have willingly wasted some of the money I had made.

I played before ages ago and quadrupled from deposit in 2days but having FAR experience I had brought into tables with my 1/2 my desposit and soon went broke...Thats why the 1:50 rule is important to long-term success...

Poker is a job you can do anywhere with a net connection at anytime of day 24hrs a day 365 days a year....

When you get onto the $25-50 buyin tables you could make a LIVING from poker if you are GOOD. You'll need a $2500 bankroll though. ALOT of people do, you make your money from casual players and muppets who come to gamble etc..They dont mind loosing, they are the bread and butter of the poker professional, you can spot them in moments.

Doing it this way you can play for free and work from nothing.

Who knows alot of people make alot of money from Poker. Provided they follow the 1:20 rule or even better a 1:50 rule.

I find an almost meditational headspace when playing, the concentration level required is very high, 1hr can be gone in what seems like a few mins!

You have to watch all the players, how they bet when they are strong, weak, which are tight, loose, crap, good, wild, rocklike etc, which to respect, which to abuse, which to bully, which to rev up with some cocky remarks, who goes on tilt...

Then you need to size and calculate the size of your own bets to give the information / misinformation about hand, you need to understand which players are smart and will be reading your bets etc.. Its such a skillful game and it's so psychological which I like. I never afraid to beat myself up mentally to improve my performance and have the ability to look at myself from a 3rd person perspective, which is very usefull in poker.

Studying all the players, making notes. I make most of my cash targeting donkies, just outplaying them cause they play a pair, two pairs FAR FAR too strong, just bust them with 3 of kind of a hidden straight or flush etc or read their weak bets and call them bluffing. Playing loose players at their own game.

I'd never just buy in alot of my own cash, you need to start at the bottom and work up, gain experience, look at it as could take sometime to get £1000 from £25.

One pro made $12000 in 12months from NOTHING, he played free tournaments and worked his way up as I said on the 1:20 rule...Anything is possible.

I came very close to qualifying into a $2,000,000 tournament this week and could still do it.

So I have found some pleasure there!

Waffle over.
Peace please!

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